At times, things almost feel as if they are standing still. You are moving forward so slowly that you think you aren't going anywhere but backwards. It's a feeling of constant failure at what you do. You can't get anything done. But once again in my life, hope is all that I have. There is always that instant spark of hope that I will feel successful and get through these slow, challenging times. Even when others don't think it'll get better, I do think it will. Whether it does or does not is not entirely up to me, but partially up to me and my attitude. Not only my attitude, but my awareness of the good things from day to day. No matter how little these good things are. I can, I will keep moving forward. I am struggling, I am stressed, I am emotionally, physically and mentally drained, yet there is no way but forward. I will not stop. 

Open Your Mind.

          To bring back bad, really bad memories is to break your heart all over again. They are things you wish you never did or things that made you extremely uncomfortable. I don't want those struggles again, I went through it already. I firmly believe in Jesus Christ, I have never doubted that there is a God and that prayers are always answered. There is not one year that I have not been challenged in believing what I believe. I even sat down with a preacher/priest at one time and had a religion contest. He showed me why I was wrong with what I believed and I showed him how he was wrong in what he thought about my religion. The bible 100% supports the book of mormon, they go hand in hand and we believe in both in every aspect. I would never damn anyone to hell for what they believe, that is not my purpose in life, nor is my purpose to waste one moment being told I'm wrong. Attacking people is not the way to be God like. It's a personal attack. 

           Nothing can compare to the hurt I feel for being such an idiot and sitting down with a preacher/priest. I came back at him with every scripture I knew that would prove what he was saying to be false about my religion. If you're gonna attack my life, I will not let you win. I will listen, but when it becomes an attack, I walk away. No one will win, you'll both feel like you will lose. I know my church to be true, we believe in God the eternal father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost. We believe in christian values, we have morals which will lead us to eternal life. We believe and follow the commandments. Tell me what is so bad about that? Tell me how I am wrong in the way I choose to live my life. I am a christian. I am a mormon. 

OPEN YOUR MIND TO SEE THAT THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS WHAT THEY SEEM.

[The Hardest Things are the Best Things]

In the 21 years that I have been around, I have learned enough to know that if something is hard, it's probably worth it. 

      I've always fondly believed that anything that is difficult to get to or be apart of, may end up being something really great. The trouble there is that it's not normal. It's not normal to think this way, or is it? Usually people back down from difficult     things, I've seen it all my life. People don't want the trouble, they assume things that are meant to be are easy and simple. From my perspective, I was never for a second led to believe the best things in life are easy. Relationships are hard for me and the fact that I care to much is hard for me. Somehow, no matter what I am apart of there is some struggle morally or mentally that I have to face to be able to get through it. I don't know why this is, nor do I care to ask God for a reason. I understand my lot in life was not meant to be easy. It took years of struggle to see that and really understand that I need to get through the "hard" things, to get to the beautiful moments in life. 

     People have always come and gone out of my life. I've had about 10 best friends from my birth until now. People don't last for reasons. The person who is my best friend now, will be one for my entire life. There is a time in life, after all struggles that you realize you made it through so you can have that joy that is above all other joys you can feel. If you can persist... all great things in life will be yours.

      My adventure has currently started as a teacher in our societies public education system, where I get paid $20,000 less than the average person with a bachelors degree and I even have a dual bachelors degree with a specialization in Mental Retardation. I work in 3 different classrooms across my school campus. I get to work before 7 am every morning to make sure my day is planned and ready. I write IEP's on at lunch, my prep and on weekends. I plan meetings around my parents and general education teachers all the time, not minding my own. It is too much for one person to handle. This hardship did not just start out when I began teaching this current school year. It began day one of my full year of student teaching. I won't go into much detail, but I cried for weeks. Many different things made me doubt myself that year. By the end, I loved being a special education teacher so I decided that's what I would do. Even though I got hired before I graduated in the district I student taught in, it was not the school I ended up wanting. I had to fight, and work hard to get the position I wanted. I needed to be MR certified, so I did it. I took a $1500 class and went through 4 months of processes to achieve my goal to work with my mentor. I got it. 

      With one goal achieved, comes another struggle to survive in an environment that is challenging. One of the most difficult beginnings to a school year that they have had at my school and many new things going into place. I am drowning. The doubt crept in again, making me wonder if I can do this. Somehow, through it all I keep thinking it'll get better by the end of the year. People keep telling me it won't, but if I am meant to do this, then something has to give. I've never been so challenged in my life. Mentally, physically and emotionally I am struggling. It's enough to make a person give up. 

Is it true, the hardest things are the best things ????